We’ve all seen that fat girl with barely anything on, drying humping every guy that walks past. Well I got a close up that I’ll never forget. My choice of poison was water so I have no excuse. The thing about all your friends being drunk and you sober, is that they seem to be having so much more fun than you. So I decided to give the dance floor a break and get a refill instead.
Random hot guy: What you drinking?
Me: *looks at the bottle of water in my hand* Guess…
Random hot guy: Would you like something harder
At that exact moment the fat girl with barely anything on, decide to demonstrate something out of a thriller music video exposing any covered bit she might have had.
Me: Check out the whale
Random hot guy: Ummmmm
Me: *laughing uncontrollably*
Random hot guy: That’s my sister
Me: Ohhh FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Random guy: Hang on I’ll introduce you
At that point I was wishing for the ground to open up and swallow me! I had now turned so red I looked like a stop sign. After being introduced to fat girl I felt obliged to give her a ridiculous amount of compliments, at which she must of thought I was hitting on her. The next 10 minutes involved us standing there in silence, I felt as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.
Random guy: So you like my sister?
Me: Umm she’s great!
Random guy: So how about that drink?
After I called his sister a whale he still proceeded to hit on me for the rest of the night and all I wanted to do was get the hell outta there and crawl into a hole.
In other odd events:
I keep getting pictures of farm animals from some guy I met recently.
I’m beginning to develop zoophobia. You know who you are. Please stop!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I’m not demented just dehydrated
That ever so wonderful feeling when you wake up and your tongue is stuck to your palate. Your vision is blurred and you taste feet. You fall outta bed and crawl to the bathroom and literally eat half the toothpaste. While barely balancing, you realize not only are you a danger to yourself right now, but you are also a danger to society and should get back it to bed before you hurt yourself. Even your dog looks at you with disgust. You then realize that today is in fact a work day.
Panicked I dressed in record time and in my car on my way to work. With every possible a$shole testing my breaking reflex, after the tenth time of slamming breaks, I was finally fully awake, and the very little blood I had left in my alcohol system was starting to boil. By the time I got to work I was as dehydrated as a prune. Rushing to my parking and avoiding the obstacle course of cars, I managed to introduce the side of my car to the lovely wall… which left a unpleasant scratch on the side of my car. Yip shoulda stayed in bed.
Like I said people I’m a danger to society
Panicked I dressed in record time and in my car on my way to work. With every possible a$shole testing my breaking reflex, after the tenth time of slamming breaks, I was finally fully awake, and the very little blood I had left in my alcohol system was starting to boil. By the time I got to work I was as dehydrated as a prune. Rushing to my parking and avoiding the obstacle course of cars, I managed to introduce the side of my car to the lovely wall… which left a unpleasant scratch on the side of my car. Yip shoulda stayed in bed.
Like I said people I’m a danger to society
Oh the fun
Signs which indicate that you are at a Russian wedding:
The wedding starts an hour late (If you lucky)
The presence of vodka on every table
The village music people are actually dancing to on the dance floor
The singing DJ
The 3 photographers and 2 videographers
The shirtless guest
The inappropriate asshole
The married flirt
The fight
And me in the middle of the craziness sober
The wedding starts an hour late (If you lucky)
The presence of vodka on every table
The village music people are actually dancing to on the dance floor
The singing DJ
The 3 photographers and 2 videographers
The shirtless guest
The inappropriate asshole
The married flirt
The fight
And me in the middle of the craziness sober
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Casual i think not
Ever wonder what people actually mean when they say “let’s keep it casual.”
I personally have my own interpretation but here’s the Wikipedia version.
“”A casual relationship, colloquially known as a fling, is a physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have a sexual relationship (a situation colloquially called Friends with benefits) or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more formal romantic relationship. Motives for casual relationships vary. There are significant gender and cultural differences in acceptance of and breadth of casual relationships, as well as in regrets about action/inaction in those relationships.
A casual relationship may be part time, or for a limited time, and may or may not be monogamous. The term encompasses friendships between people who enjoy each other's physical intimacy but do not aspire to be long-term, and may or may not involve parties who desire temporary relationships purely for hedonistic purposes. In each case, the relationship's dominance in the lives of those involved is being voluntarily limited, and there is usually a sense that the relationship is intended to endure only so long as both parties wish it to.
A casual relationship differs from casual sex, which has little or no emotional element, and from a one-night stand, as the relationship extends beyond a single sexual encounter. To the extent such relationships include casual sexual contact, the relationship is generally focused on fulfilling sexual desires rather than romantic or emotional needs.””
#Just putting it out there.
I personally have my own interpretation but here’s the Wikipedia version.
“”A casual relationship, colloquially known as a fling, is a physical and emotional relationship between two people who may have a sexual relationship (a situation colloquially called Friends with benefits) or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more formal romantic relationship. Motives for casual relationships vary. There are significant gender and cultural differences in acceptance of and breadth of casual relationships, as well as in regrets about action/inaction in those relationships.
A casual relationship may be part time, or for a limited time, and may or may not be monogamous. The term encompasses friendships between people who enjoy each other's physical intimacy but do not aspire to be long-term, and may or may not involve parties who desire temporary relationships purely for hedonistic purposes. In each case, the relationship's dominance in the lives of those involved is being voluntarily limited, and there is usually a sense that the relationship is intended to endure only so long as both parties wish it to.
A casual relationship differs from casual sex, which has little or no emotional element, and from a one-night stand, as the relationship extends beyond a single sexual encounter. To the extent such relationships include casual sexual contact, the relationship is generally focused on fulfilling sexual desires rather than romantic or emotional needs.””
#Just putting it out there.
Hopeless, yes i am
After much hesitation I finally decided to go out with “so what” guy. We decided to meet up in Sandton for dinner. We arrived at the same time and he was lucky enough to witness me lose my balance and nearly fall over my own feet. Damn high heels and crappy pavements! With a brilliant start like that, the evening could only get better, right? Wrong!
We got to the sushi restaurant and “so what” guy chose to sit by the conveyor belt, which is fantastic if you have good reflexes. Which in my case I don’t, so catching your food while it passes by you is my idea of torture. I managed to break some plastic feature thingy and drown the table in soya sauce. Had to apologize like crazy to the poor waiter who could barely keep up with my mess. Dinner conversation involved: “Here’s another napkin” and “that’s not going to fit in your mouth.” I also seemed to lose all ability to use chops sticks and looked like a 2 year old, who was learning how to use a fork.
Saying bye and walking off to my car involved me tripping and nearly slapping myself and him. To my surprise he called and asked me out again. He’s either very desperate or my eating habits are the most entertainment he’s had in a very long time.
Second date - it was his turn to act like a complete idiot. He kept trying to throw small pieces of paper down my top, kept score and tried to name my boobs. Oh, and according to his fashion expertise my shoes did not match my outfit. I still have no idea what that poor cardboard cut-out of Rango did to him that he felt the need to abuse it.
There will be no more dating, I’m going to stick to what I know… Drinking!
That awkward moment when…
You are the only one laughing and everyone is staring at you. I seem to be getting a lot of that this week.
We got to the sushi restaurant and “so what” guy chose to sit by the conveyor belt, which is fantastic if you have good reflexes. Which in my case I don’t, so catching your food while it passes by you is my idea of torture. I managed to break some plastic feature thingy and drown the table in soya sauce. Had to apologize like crazy to the poor waiter who could barely keep up with my mess. Dinner conversation involved: “Here’s another napkin” and “that’s not going to fit in your mouth.” I also seemed to lose all ability to use chops sticks and looked like a 2 year old, who was learning how to use a fork.
Saying bye and walking off to my car involved me tripping and nearly slapping myself and him. To my surprise he called and asked me out again. He’s either very desperate or my eating habits are the most entertainment he’s had in a very long time.
Second date - it was his turn to act like a complete idiot. He kept trying to throw small pieces of paper down my top, kept score and tried to name my boobs. Oh, and according to his fashion expertise my shoes did not match my outfit. I still have no idea what that poor cardboard cut-out of Rango did to him that he felt the need to abuse it.
There will be no more dating, I’m going to stick to what I know… Drinking!
That awkward moment when…
You are the only one laughing and everyone is staring at you. I seem to be getting a lot of that this week.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Getting too old for this
(Due to fighting my way out of a pile of work, that has been covering me for the past few weeks, this is a bit of a delayed post! Better late than never - an excuse that I use for everything)
The craziest weekend yet! I managed to party nonstop for 12 hours (Record)! Thanks to H2O and a very Awesome birthday party! Unforgettable.
I forgot how much fun you can get up to at h2o, especially when there’s a car bar filled with champagne and Vodka… Swedish vodka that makes your tongue turn blue and tastes a little too good. Other side effects include: swaying, mumbling, dance moves I have yet to explain and attacking the chip stand.
When I arrived at the Birthday, I was 2 hours late… Surprise surprise! Punishment for arriving late was downing a triple whiskey, they were nice enough to add a drop of water.. Ahh bless.
After that it all went downhill… Birthday girl decided we were not drunk enough and brought out the hard stuff.. Memory is a bit of a blur from there but here’s the parts I do remember:
Dancing like an animal in distress
Shouting pour me a quadruple
Diving into a Jacuzzi
Falling out of a Jacuzzi
Drunk tweeting
Speaking a language unknown to man
And Heinz Winckler (Aka Winky) knocking on the door, asking for the party to turn down the music, which of course we didn’t! Instead we quickly downloaded as many Winky songs we could find and blasted them for the next hour. Singing ‘Cant loose with you’ for the hundredth time and I still couldn’t get the lyrics right.. There goes my dream of being a singer.
Its moments like these that make it all alright again. Thanks to an amazing bunch of friends for a memorable weekend. The two day hangover was soooooo worth it.
The craziest weekend yet! I managed to party nonstop for 12 hours (Record)! Thanks to H2O and a very Awesome birthday party! Unforgettable.
I forgot how much fun you can get up to at h2o, especially when there’s a car bar filled with champagne and Vodka… Swedish vodka that makes your tongue turn blue and tastes a little too good. Other side effects include: swaying, mumbling, dance moves I have yet to explain and attacking the chip stand.
When I arrived at the Birthday, I was 2 hours late… Surprise surprise! Punishment for arriving late was downing a triple whiskey, they were nice enough to add a drop of water.. Ahh bless.
After that it all went downhill… Birthday girl decided we were not drunk enough and brought out the hard stuff.. Memory is a bit of a blur from there but here’s the parts I do remember:
Dancing like an animal in distress
Shouting pour me a quadruple
Diving into a Jacuzzi
Falling out of a Jacuzzi
Drunk tweeting
Speaking a language unknown to man
And Heinz Winckler (Aka Winky) knocking on the door, asking for the party to turn down the music, which of course we didn’t! Instead we quickly downloaded as many Winky songs we could find and blasted them for the next hour. Singing ‘Cant loose with you’ for the hundredth time and I still couldn’t get the lyrics right.. There goes my dream of being a singer.
Its moments like these that make it all alright again. Thanks to an amazing bunch of friends for a memorable weekend. The two day hangover was soooooo worth it.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Stupidity at its best
Girl meets boy… Boy maturity level is at a 3.
Drinks:
Me: Hi! Sorry, I’m late. (As usual)
Boy: Ohhh look what I can do with a straw!
Me: Err I don’t think that’s meant to go in there.
What can I say, was an entertaining evening, which only made me realize I want to be at least 600km away from him at all times and screaming: “Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”
Boy thinks he’s smart and will make girl jealous.
After avoiding / ignoring boy, he decides to make himself irresistible and sends girl a message not meant for her. “Hey Babe, I have to go now as I’m have to get up for gym early to get rid of that tyre, we were talking about Last night! Thanks for the chat.” Logic? He has none.
Girl thinks boy is a tool.
Found this very appropriate picture to describe you.
Ps: Stayed sober all of last weekend seem to be loosing my touch?! Err no definitely made up for it this weekend.
Drinks:
Me: Hi! Sorry, I’m late. (As usual)
Boy: Ohhh look what I can do with a straw!
Me: Err I don’t think that’s meant to go in there.
What can I say, was an entertaining evening, which only made me realize I want to be at least 600km away from him at all times and screaming: “Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”
Boy thinks he’s smart and will make girl jealous.
After avoiding / ignoring boy, he decides to make himself irresistible and sends girl a message not meant for her. “Hey Babe, I have to go now as I’m have to get up for gym early to get rid of that tyre, we were talking about Last night! Thanks for the chat.” Logic? He has none.
Girl thinks boy is a tool.
Found this very appropriate picture to describe you.
Ps: Stayed sober all of last weekend seem to be loosing my touch?! Err no definitely made up for it this weekend.
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