I was an unfortunate participant in a 11 hour drinking marathon… My liver is crying from the abuse, my eyes are bleeding, I’m most probably still drunk but I wouldn’t know as I’ve reached the point where I can’t tell the difference. All I can taste is Patrone and that is after I have brushed my teeth 3 times. I can barely think yet alone put a proper sentence together. I am now just going to lie here and not think as I might just hurt myself.
I'm beginning to think i have Cenosillicaphobia - the fear of an empty glass, thats the only explanation i have for last night.
Ps: To the random guy, errr sorry I spilt my drink on you!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Gawd, they everywhere
The silly season is here and the constant partying has begun, since I don’t do suttle, as usual I went overboard… and how I know that is, when it was time to get to bed my room decided to play tricks on me, the walls were spinning and my bed was playing hide and seek with me. When I eventually found it I manage to drunk dial four people before spinning into sleep.
You know it’s going to be a good night when nothing goes to plan and you end up going with the flow.
Club 1
A mad house, was impossible to get drinks and dancing was like fighting your way through a bull run. Left after some guy ran up to us and gave us a huge bear hug that left my bones cracked.
Club 2 (the usual place)
The party was happening and outta control. The first thing I saw when I walked in was Ex BF number 1, next thing I saw was Ex BF number 2 and so on until all four Ex BF were seen. I seriously need to broaden my dating horizons, good thing I’m on speaking terms with most of them otherwise could of turned into a very awkward night.
The drinks were flowing and the arms were flapping and the men were easy, my cousin was caught between two Italian hotties who were adamant on a kiss so to make things fair she kissed them both, they were more than happy to oblige. I on the other hand have very little memory from that point onwards.
Legendary!!
Ps: Need to find an instant hangover cure and win the Nobel Peace Prize.
You know it’s going to be a good night when nothing goes to plan and you end up going with the flow.
Club 1
A mad house, was impossible to get drinks and dancing was like fighting your way through a bull run. Left after some guy ran up to us and gave us a huge bear hug that left my bones cracked.
Club 2 (the usual place)
The party was happening and outta control. The first thing I saw when I walked in was Ex BF number 1, next thing I saw was Ex BF number 2 and so on until all four Ex BF were seen. I seriously need to broaden my dating horizons, good thing I’m on speaking terms with most of them otherwise could of turned into a very awkward night.
The drinks were flowing and the arms were flapping and the men were easy, my cousin was caught between two Italian hotties who were adamant on a kiss so to make things fair she kissed them both, they were more than happy to oblige. I on the other hand have very little memory from that point onwards.
Legendary!!
Ps: Need to find an instant hangover cure and win the Nobel Peace Prize.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Naturally a disaster
The thing about long, busy weeks is that you tend to go overboard on the weekend. And that is exactly what i intended to do, unsuccessfully might I add.
The Sexy cousin and I decided to see how our usual club is doing. All excited, cause I haven’t been out in weeks with her, due to a “big deal” exam. I made a huge fuss and took a ridiculously long time to get ready. Looking pretty good and feeling confident, we were ready for the night to begin. The forces of nature were definitely against us, the pouring rain managed to soak us both. By the time we got to the club, we looked like we had swam in the sewer and, to make things worse, I started feeling nauseas and was on the verge of passing out before I even had my first drink – have you ever! Being the tough one that I am, I tried to stick it out. Smiling became a painful chore, breathing was next to impossible and, due to the tightness of my dress, I was trying everything to keep myself from passing out from the lack of oxygen to the brain and other important body parts.
Attempting dancing wasn’t the greatest of ideas. My head, having a mind of its own, started spinning. On top of that my “I’m a dying fish” dancing moves, due to losing all feeling in my arms and legs, must have looked like I was a complete alcoholic that just came out of rehab and decided to celebrate. We called it quits after being followed around the dance floor by three crazy chicks drunker than I wasn’t.
The next night went a whole lot better, feeling like myself again. I partied till some ridiculous hour, contemplated body shots and thankfully decided against it, instead I made it my mission to pick up The Looker next to me and insisted we do shots.
Today I’m back at work and miss the weekend already. Oh how quick it passes!
The Sexy cousin and I decided to see how our usual club is doing. All excited, cause I haven’t been out in weeks with her, due to a “big deal” exam. I made a huge fuss and took a ridiculously long time to get ready. Looking pretty good and feeling confident, we were ready for the night to begin. The forces of nature were definitely against us, the pouring rain managed to soak us both. By the time we got to the club, we looked like we had swam in the sewer and, to make things worse, I started feeling nauseas and was on the verge of passing out before I even had my first drink – have you ever! Being the tough one that I am, I tried to stick it out. Smiling became a painful chore, breathing was next to impossible and, due to the tightness of my dress, I was trying everything to keep myself from passing out from the lack of oxygen to the brain and other important body parts.
Attempting dancing wasn’t the greatest of ideas. My head, having a mind of its own, started spinning. On top of that my “I’m a dying fish” dancing moves, due to losing all feeling in my arms and legs, must have looked like I was a complete alcoholic that just came out of rehab and decided to celebrate. We called it quits after being followed around the dance floor by three crazy chicks drunker than I wasn’t.
The next night went a whole lot better, feeling like myself again. I partied till some ridiculous hour, contemplated body shots and thankfully decided against it, instead I made it my mission to pick up The Looker next to me and insisted we do shots.
Today I’m back at work and miss the weekend already. Oh how quick it passes!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Rough Ride
To my fellow motorists from this morning.
Sweet little granny
Move out the way, you old fart! This is the fast lane, meaning - please drive faster than 40km and if you are going to stall at every robot, you should not be driving you, old hag! I know fossils younger than you!
Lady in BMW on phone
If you actually spent half the time concentrating on the road than your phone, I’m sure your car wouldn’t look like it just came out of the bumper cars final and lost. Green means - Go!!! You proceeded to wait at a green robot and drive on red. Those signs at robots that say “wait for green” were made especially for you!
Taxi
I can still smell the rubber from my tyres, after having to brake like a crazy mad cow. Yes I do enjoy testing my brakes to see if they are in proper working order, and yes I did want a stiff neck for the rest of the day. Your magnificent driving skills are a blessing to us all, you as$hole!
Pamphlet guy
No I dont want a f*cking pamphlet.
Rough week, That is all.
Ps: Im going to be drinking stupid amounts of alcohol, dancing like I just escaped from a mental home, singing the wrong words to every song and smootching a random who’s name I won’t be remembering tomorrow.
Here’s to a great weekend.
Sweet little granny
Move out the way, you old fart! This is the fast lane, meaning - please drive faster than 40km and if you are going to stall at every robot, you should not be driving you, old hag! I know fossils younger than you!
Lady in BMW on phone
If you actually spent half the time concentrating on the road than your phone, I’m sure your car wouldn’t look like it just came out of the bumper cars final and lost. Green means - Go!!! You proceeded to wait at a green robot and drive on red. Those signs at robots that say “wait for green” were made especially for you!
Taxi
I can still smell the rubber from my tyres, after having to brake like a crazy mad cow. Yes I do enjoy testing my brakes to see if they are in proper working order, and yes I did want a stiff neck for the rest of the day. Your magnificent driving skills are a blessing to us all, you as$hole!
Pamphlet guy
No I dont want a f*cking pamphlet.
Rough week, That is all.
Ps: Im going to be drinking stupid amounts of alcohol, dancing like I just escaped from a mental home, singing the wrong words to every song and smootching a random who’s name I won’t be remembering tomorrow.
Here’s to a great weekend.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Super glue, it's just super
Had a nightmare of a day and, to make things worse, my shoe strap broke off. I could of spent the rest of the day limping, but chose not to. So went hunting around to find something to fix my little problem. With no luck I was getting desperate, that’s when I can across some super glue. After thinking it through, I decided that was my best option.
So I put my foot up and went straight to work, super gluing the strap back on. It looked almost perfect… that is until I realized, I had just super glued my shoe to my foot..!! Frantic I tried getting my shoes off, it was definitely stuck. I had images of wearing the same shoe forever. I pulled, tugged and scrapped till I managed to rip half my skin off along with the shoe.
Lesson learnt, they weren’t lying when they called it super!! And I'm not really good at thinking things through!!
So I put my foot up and went straight to work, super gluing the strap back on. It looked almost perfect… that is until I realized, I had just super glued my shoe to my foot..!! Frantic I tried getting my shoes off, it was definitely stuck. I had images of wearing the same shoe forever. I pulled, tugged and scrapped till I managed to rip half my skin off along with the shoe.
Lesson learnt, they weren’t lying when they called it super!! And I'm not really good at thinking things through!!
Racing to the bar
Thanks to another blog I read, I won tickets to the VIP Neo Africa at the Sansui Summer Cup, not so much VIP but definitely was a fun day… Dressed to kill the first thing we did, was familiarize ourselves with the bars. It’s very important to stay hydrated on a hot day!
We started off by the track - drink in one hand, camera is the other - trying to take pictures of horses, when they run past isn’t easy. All I got, was a few butt shots and someone’s head that got in the way. Since we all know that I have absolutely no interest in racing, it was time for another refill. And another and another, which by then I had already developed my 5th personality.
After a stupid number of drinks it’s inevitable that you’re going to have to go to the toilet at some stage, in my case it was a porter potty. Out of all the porter potty’s I chose the one on a slope. It’s bad enough that’s is gross and you try avoid touching anything, but this potty thought it would be fun to add no lights to my situation. Balancing in there was next to impossible, one foot against the wall was all I could manage. Climbing out was even harder than getting in, my heels slipping all over the plastic floor while I was trying to unlock the door, which of course by default would get stuck. I ended up pulling it so hard that the door flipped open and out I fell. Horrified, I yelled: “Surprise!”
When I got back, the fashion show had already started. It was all black bra’s and no shirts, the designer must of been going through the “I am morbid phase” I don’t call it fashion if you aren’t actually wearing anything. The guys, that we were enjoying drinks with, seemed to appreciate it more than me. They ran to get a better view and weren’t seen or heard from until the show ended… Ahh men you got to love them!
PS: Drinks, heels and grass are a definite No- No, makes you look drunker than you are.
We started off by the track - drink in one hand, camera is the other - trying to take pictures of horses, when they run past isn’t easy. All I got, was a few butt shots and someone’s head that got in the way. Since we all know that I have absolutely no interest in racing, it was time for another refill. And another and another, which by then I had already developed my 5th personality.
After a stupid number of drinks it’s inevitable that you’re going to have to go to the toilet at some stage, in my case it was a porter potty. Out of all the porter potty’s I chose the one on a slope. It’s bad enough that’s is gross and you try avoid touching anything, but this potty thought it would be fun to add no lights to my situation. Balancing in there was next to impossible, one foot against the wall was all I could manage. Climbing out was even harder than getting in, my heels slipping all over the plastic floor while I was trying to unlock the door, which of course by default would get stuck. I ended up pulling it so hard that the door flipped open and out I fell. Horrified, I yelled: “Surprise!”
When I got back, the fashion show had already started. It was all black bra’s and no shirts, the designer must of been going through the “I am morbid phase” I don’t call it fashion if you aren’t actually wearing anything. The guys, that we were enjoying drinks with, seemed to appreciate it more than me. They ran to get a better view and weren’t seen or heard from until the show ended… Ahh men you got to love them!
PS: Drinks, heels and grass are a definite No- No, makes you look drunker than you are.
Monday, November 29, 2010
C.A.R Troubles
My baby was very naughty last week and decided to break on me. So for punishment I left her all alone in a parking lot for the night. Thought she’d learn her lesson but she didn’t.
The next morning I arrived, thinking my evil plan had worked. All excited, I put the key in the key hole and nothing… Helpless, it was time to call in some reinforcement, meaning a tow truck. After the longest call of my life I finally managed to get a tow truck to come out, estimated time 1 hour. In tow truck terms that must mean sit tight we’ll be there when we get there.
So after baking in the sun for 2 hours and amusing myself by talking to my car and telling her how disappointed I am and that our relationship will never be the same, i finally saw a huge tow truck pull in and parks in front of me, a little man bungeed out and came to me.
Little man: Eish mam can you start your car?
Me: Yes I can I was just checking your response time. Duh!
My car was pulled onto a flatbed. I’m sure I heard it squeak, while it dangled there and the flatbed was being rolled down and secured. Now it was my turn to get in, which is easier said than done. High heels and all, I climbed up what felt like a rock wall, hanging out the door trying to pull myself up, is definitely a memorable memory. I’m just grateful there was no one to witness my embarrassment.
I am happy to say it was a minor problem and all was fixed in record time and I got my car back the next day. We are both doing good and are now working on our relationship! Therapy might be an option!
The next morning I arrived, thinking my evil plan had worked. All excited, I put the key in the key hole and nothing… Helpless, it was time to call in some reinforcement, meaning a tow truck. After the longest call of my life I finally managed to get a tow truck to come out, estimated time 1 hour. In tow truck terms that must mean sit tight we’ll be there when we get there.
So after baking in the sun for 2 hours and amusing myself by talking to my car and telling her how disappointed I am and that our relationship will never be the same, i finally saw a huge tow truck pull in and parks in front of me, a little man bungeed out and came to me.
Little man: Eish mam can you start your car?
Me: Yes I can I was just checking your response time. Duh!
My car was pulled onto a flatbed. I’m sure I heard it squeak, while it dangled there and the flatbed was being rolled down and secured. Now it was my turn to get in, which is easier said than done. High heels and all, I climbed up what felt like a rock wall, hanging out the door trying to pull myself up, is definitely a memorable memory. I’m just grateful there was no one to witness my embarrassment.
I am happy to say it was a minor problem and all was fixed in record time and I got my car back the next day. We are both doing good and are now working on our relationship! Therapy might be an option!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
It's a competition out there
And the prize is……… to be crowned stalker of the year.
My daily run in with Car dude is becoming a nightmare, my dodging him is no longer working and is a work out all on its own. It goes something like this: get to gym, look over shoulder, run to changing room, when done, sneak peak around the corner to make sure he’s not there, run to treadmill as fast as possible so there’s no opportunity of any conversation. Always looking over my shoulder just in case he appears. Duck and dive while on the treadmill every time he looks in my direction, nearly falling off the treadmill, move onto next torture machine, repeat ducking and diving, move onto next machine, looking down hoping I won’t be noticed. Thinking I’m in the clear once outside, jump for joy only to see that Car dude has upped his game and is now taken to waiting by my car.
If that’s not bad enough he’s got competition, Vest dude.
I went on a horrid date beginning of the year with Vest dude and his morbid personality which bored me till my eyes bled. And at the end of which he proceeded to calculate everything I had on a piece of paper in order for me to pay “my part” (Which was R73.50 on the dot) then asked me to wait with him until his lift got there.. OMG are you freaking kidding me?!?! That’s when i decided there will not be a repeat. Him on the other hand must of thought it went so well and that we belong together, that he now feels the need to follow me around the gym. Literally machine after machine, trying to strike up some kind of conversation like "are you done with this machine, cause I would really like to nest myself in the sweat you leave behind"
I am now either going to find another gym or learn to leopard crawl and camouflage myself the colour of the walls.
Ps: I plan to hold a ceremony in which I will be crowning one of them. Publically.
My daily run in with Car dude is becoming a nightmare, my dodging him is no longer working and is a work out all on its own. It goes something like this: get to gym, look over shoulder, run to changing room, when done, sneak peak around the corner to make sure he’s not there, run to treadmill as fast as possible so there’s no opportunity of any conversation. Always looking over my shoulder just in case he appears. Duck and dive while on the treadmill every time he looks in my direction, nearly falling off the treadmill, move onto next torture machine, repeat ducking and diving, move onto next machine, looking down hoping I won’t be noticed. Thinking I’m in the clear once outside, jump for joy only to see that Car dude has upped his game and is now taken to waiting by my car.
If that’s not bad enough he’s got competition, Vest dude.
I went on a horrid date beginning of the year with Vest dude and his morbid personality which bored me till my eyes bled. And at the end of which he proceeded to calculate everything I had on a piece of paper in order for me to pay “my part” (Which was R73.50 on the dot) then asked me to wait with him until his lift got there.. OMG are you freaking kidding me?!?! That’s when i decided there will not be a repeat. Him on the other hand must of thought it went so well and that we belong together, that he now feels the need to follow me around the gym. Literally machine after machine, trying to strike up some kind of conversation like "are you done with this machine, cause I would really like to nest myself in the sweat you leave behind"
I am now either going to find another gym or learn to leopard crawl and camouflage myself the colour of the walls.
Ps: I plan to hold a ceremony in which I will be crowning one of them. Publically.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The big blow
Sunday is always the day I spend recovering from what usually is an awesome weekend! It is also the day I take my dog to the park to mingle, as she is the only child she can get very lonely. The heat wave pasted and I set out for the park with the dog hanging out the window of my car.
In the 5 minutes that it took me to get to the park the weather changed from sunny hot to thundering blow you over wind. While fighting the wind, trying to keep my dress down and my dog from blowing away, I also had two very annoying birds bombing my dog. Yes you heard me right. The 2 of them were flying over my dog and swooshing down on her every chance they got, she’s not the biggest of dogs and does somewhat resemble a rat (a really big rat).
After 40 minutes of hair flying, bird swooshing, dog chasing I was home and had every intention of bathing the dog (it’s my little way of getting her evil a$s back). I couldn’t find her towel so had to climb up my cupboard to get another one. (Climbing up the cupboard is a fairly often occurrence for me as I’m too lazy to get a chair.) Now there’s no harsher ways of being told / hinted you have gained weight than your cupboard shelf breaking under your feet, you falling painfully out your cupboard while it takes all the skin off your arm and proceeds to fall on top on you. I calmly (not loud) screamed at the top of my voice and managed to swear in all the languages that I know, curled up into the fetal position and rocked myself till the pain stopped. At some point I must of alerted the cousin that something had happened. When she came in to see what was wrong, she proceed to laugh at me hysterically. Since when has my pain become her amusement?
I now have a very sore arm with what looks like razor cuts all over it and a broken shelf. But on the brighter side I did eventually manage to bath my dog, that is to say with great difficulty.
Ps: I keep getting looks of disgust from complete strangers, seriously I fell, it's not what you think.!!
In the 5 minutes that it took me to get to the park the weather changed from sunny hot to thundering blow you over wind. While fighting the wind, trying to keep my dress down and my dog from blowing away, I also had two very annoying birds bombing my dog. Yes you heard me right. The 2 of them were flying over my dog and swooshing down on her every chance they got, she’s not the biggest of dogs and does somewhat resemble a rat (a really big rat).
After 40 minutes of hair flying, bird swooshing, dog chasing I was home and had every intention of bathing the dog (it’s my little way of getting her evil a$s back). I couldn’t find her towel so had to climb up my cupboard to get another one. (Climbing up the cupboard is a fairly often occurrence for me as I’m too lazy to get a chair.) Now there’s no harsher ways of being told / hinted you have gained weight than your cupboard shelf breaking under your feet, you falling painfully out your cupboard while it takes all the skin off your arm and proceeds to fall on top on you. I calmly (not loud) screamed at the top of my voice and managed to swear in all the languages that I know, curled up into the fetal position and rocked myself till the pain stopped. At some point I must of alerted the cousin that something had happened. When she came in to see what was wrong, she proceed to laugh at me hysterically. Since when has my pain become her amusement?
I now have a very sore arm with what looks like razor cuts all over it and a broken shelf. But on the brighter side I did eventually manage to bath my dog, that is to say with great difficulty.
Ps: I keep getting looks of disgust from complete strangers, seriously I fell, it's not what you think.!!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Fruit Loops
This is going to be a bit of a low blow. Talking about an Ex is never fun but in my case its freaking hilarious.
That was the first and last time I will ever put myself through the torture of a long distance relationship. You just never know what's coming back to you. People change!
I’ll start where it all went wrong cause that’s the only part I actually remember. While making travel plans to meet up in paradise, Fruit Loops couldn’t even get the simple concept of booking his hotel. All the travel arrangements were left up to me, which was already a big put off when a guy couldn’t take the initiative.
So after all the plans were made and booking was paid, for I was bombarded with emails harassing me and telling me to reply immediately over and over again, never mind the fact that I have a life and don’t spend every waking minute on my email, waiting to reply with anticipation. The closer the holiday got, the worse he got. The guy became needy and obsessive, it became an impossible situation. I was now dreading seeing him, all the excitement disappeared.
The last straw was emails I received and then decided to confront him.
Him: (Name), reply to your mail now
Him: I am still waiting for a reply (Name)
Him: Why are you not replying?
And all this within 1 hour. I was smsed, emailed and Facebooked several times, the worst part was there was nothing much to reply to. When I finally checked my mail I felt like I was being stalked by a one legged woman eating pansy boy. Does he have no shame or self-respect?
My reply was simple.
Me: Hi, I’m sorry, been busy with work and haven’t had a chance to get online, so stop obsessing, will be seeing you in a week.
His immediate response: DON’T USE THAT WORD, I hate it when people use that word, OBSSESSED! I’m not f*cking OBSESSED.
If that’s not crazy then I don’t know what is. What happened to the sexy, confident guy I met? Since when did he turn into a needy pink panty wearing drama queen. Real men don’t wear pink panties Fruit Loops. I knew then this was not going to work.. and told him, that we should rather go as friends and all have a good time.
The first time I saw him, I was in utter shock. In the 8 months that I haven’t seen him, I couldn’t believe that the tanned body of a God turned into, what can only be described as, saggy old man’s skin with droopy nipples and a boep, which he defended (lied) by saying he can't go a day without gym. I wish I was joking but I’m not. I have a picture to prove it. The amazing person that I am :), I still thought the best way to get through this holiday, was just being friends.
Every single day Fruit loops shocked with stupidity!
Fruit loops: I went shopping today and bought a new phone.
Me: oh nice what you get?
Fruit loops: Look.. (Pulls out a Nokia E Series)
Me: mmm.. very nice phone.
Later that day while lying by the pool tanning….
Fruit loops: I bought a Blackberry today
Me: No you didn’t. You bought a Nokia E Series
Fruit Loops: Oh Sh*t!! I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life. I went to go buy a Blackberry (He actually thought he bought a Blackberry *gasp*)
Me: *Blank look on face* got up and jumped into the pool, Fruit loops followed (Why oh why.)
After my looong swim, well actually I spent 30 minutes drinking at the pool bar… I was in the water, so its technically considered swimming. Standing in the shallow end, about to get out, Fruit loops swims up to me. Stands next to me and just stares without saying a word.
After 5 minutes of silence, Fruit loops stretches his arms out and in the most high pitched voice says: “Hold meeeeeeee!!!!”
I was so shocked the first thing that came out of my mouth was: “Hell, No!”.
Fruit loops even bothered to ask why! My answer was half true: “I just don’t want to!”
(Never mind that you have lost all appeal you might or might not of once had) I'm almost certain that his brain has been eaten away by daily drug use, thats the only explanation i can think of.
After the pool confrontation, Fruit Loops checked out, never to be heard from again. He lasted 4 days in paradise which 2 of them was spent on the toilet with the sh*ts. I’m sure this was a very memorable holiday for him.
Me on the other hand had the best time of my life. Thailand, what a party paradise!
PS: Mr Difficult is still calling and smsing daily, apologizing and wanting to make plans for the weekend? What to do what to do?!
PPS: Met new Guy he’s a Chelsea supporter like me, I see a future already!
That was the first and last time I will ever put myself through the torture of a long distance relationship. You just never know what's coming back to you. People change!
I’ll start where it all went wrong cause that’s the only part I actually remember. While making travel plans to meet up in paradise, Fruit Loops couldn’t even get the simple concept of booking his hotel. All the travel arrangements were left up to me, which was already a big put off when a guy couldn’t take the initiative.
So after all the plans were made and booking was paid, for I was bombarded with emails harassing me and telling me to reply immediately over and over again, never mind the fact that I have a life and don’t spend every waking minute on my email, waiting to reply with anticipation. The closer the holiday got, the worse he got. The guy became needy and obsessive, it became an impossible situation. I was now dreading seeing him, all the excitement disappeared.
The last straw was emails I received and then decided to confront him.
Him: (Name), reply to your mail now
Him: I am still waiting for a reply (Name)
Him: Why are you not replying?
And all this within 1 hour. I was smsed, emailed and Facebooked several times, the worst part was there was nothing much to reply to. When I finally checked my mail I felt like I was being stalked by a one legged woman eating pansy boy. Does he have no shame or self-respect?
My reply was simple.
Me: Hi, I’m sorry, been busy with work and haven’t had a chance to get online, so stop obsessing, will be seeing you in a week.
His immediate response: DON’T USE THAT WORD, I hate it when people use that word, OBSSESSED! I’m not f*cking OBSESSED.
If that’s not crazy then I don’t know what is. What happened to the sexy, confident guy I met? Since when did he turn into a needy pink panty wearing drama queen. Real men don’t wear pink panties Fruit Loops. I knew then this was not going to work.. and told him, that we should rather go as friends and all have a good time.
The first time I saw him, I was in utter shock. In the 8 months that I haven’t seen him, I couldn’t believe that the tanned body of a God turned into, what can only be described as, saggy old man’s skin with droopy nipples and a boep, which he defended (lied) by saying he can't go a day without gym. I wish I was joking but I’m not. I have a picture to prove it. The amazing person that I am :), I still thought the best way to get through this holiday, was just being friends.
Every single day Fruit loops shocked with stupidity!
Fruit loops: I went shopping today and bought a new phone.
Me: oh nice what you get?
Fruit loops: Look.. (Pulls out a Nokia E Series)
Me: mmm.. very nice phone.
Later that day while lying by the pool tanning….
Fruit loops: I bought a Blackberry today
Me: No you didn’t. You bought a Nokia E Series
Fruit Loops: Oh Sh*t!! I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life. I went to go buy a Blackberry (He actually thought he bought a Blackberry *gasp*)
Me: *Blank look on face* got up and jumped into the pool, Fruit loops followed (Why oh why.)
After my looong swim, well actually I spent 30 minutes drinking at the pool bar… I was in the water, so its technically considered swimming. Standing in the shallow end, about to get out, Fruit loops swims up to me. Stands next to me and just stares without saying a word.
After 5 minutes of silence, Fruit loops stretches his arms out and in the most high pitched voice says: “Hold meeeeeeee!!!!”
I was so shocked the first thing that came out of my mouth was: “Hell, No!”.
Fruit loops even bothered to ask why! My answer was half true: “I just don’t want to!”
(Never mind that you have lost all appeal you might or might not of once had) I'm almost certain that his brain has been eaten away by daily drug use, thats the only explanation i can think of.
After the pool confrontation, Fruit Loops checked out, never to be heard from again. He lasted 4 days in paradise which 2 of them was spent on the toilet with the sh*ts. I’m sure this was a very memorable holiday for him.
Me on the other hand had the best time of my life. Thailand, what a party paradise!
PS: Mr Difficult is still calling and smsing daily, apologizing and wanting to make plans for the weekend? What to do what to do?!
PPS: Met new Guy he’s a Chelsea supporter like me, I see a future already!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Mr Difficult
I have been flirting with Mr Difficult for quite some time now and what I’ve learnt so far is.. It’s not worth it. All the daily messages and phone calls are all talk and no action… The “oh babe I really want to see you” has amounted to nothing and seeing him is next to impossible. I’ll probably have more success seducing Mr Gay South Africa. I’m starting to wonder if I’m being played or is this Guy just a complete and total failure when it comes to making arrangements and sticking to them?
Cancelled date: Rushing home in traffic, hooting like a crazy lady at people to move outta my way and waving my middle finger graciously at all those wonderful taxi drivers. (yes I have a death wish) Managed to get home with just enough time to jump in the shower, put on a sexy dress and some make up, (Not that I need any… Ha-ha) We were supposed to be meeting for dinner , instead I spent 2 hours chewing on my pillow from the intense hunger I was feeling, waiting for him to let me know where we would be meeting up. After 9 I received a message “Babe I’m leaving now, where you want to go?” As if… this guy actually thought I’d still be seeing him! Told him where to shove it, made myself an egg sandwich since I literally had nothing else in my fridge and spent the night mumbling AS$hole while watching a movie.
I have no more patience and refuse to be cancelled on again. So after that I thought enough is enough and decided to play a little game of my own. When he called again, apologizing profusely asking if we can meet up on Saturday, I figured this was the perfect opportunity for some payback. I was more than happy to accept his invite to meet up for some drinks and made all the appropriate arrangements. “Sure hun, meet you there at 2” and having no intention of going what so ever.
When Saturday 2am arrived so did all the messages of “where you” and “I’m already here” I thought the best way to handle this was with total silence. Dear Mr difficult I hope you’ve learnt your lesson.
PS: Lesson learnt, if you are trying to get to know somebody, cancelling or making imaginary plans is not the way to do it, it will come back and bite you in the as$. I am now starting a douche list, watch out boys!
PPS: Spent two hours cleaning my car yesterday thinking I was being super clever: catching a tan, getting a workout, having a clean car and saving money - 4 in 1 , only to find it this morning covered in Birds shit. Will have to take it to a carwash after all! FML!
Cancelled date: Rushing home in traffic, hooting like a crazy lady at people to move outta my way and waving my middle finger graciously at all those wonderful taxi drivers. (yes I have a death wish) Managed to get home with just enough time to jump in the shower, put on a sexy dress and some make up, (Not that I need any… Ha-ha) We were supposed to be meeting for dinner , instead I spent 2 hours chewing on my pillow from the intense hunger I was feeling, waiting for him to let me know where we would be meeting up. After 9 I received a message “Babe I’m leaving now, where you want to go?” As if… this guy actually thought I’d still be seeing him! Told him where to shove it, made myself an egg sandwich since I literally had nothing else in my fridge and spent the night mumbling AS$hole while watching a movie.
I have no more patience and refuse to be cancelled on again. So after that I thought enough is enough and decided to play a little game of my own. When he called again, apologizing profusely asking if we can meet up on Saturday, I figured this was the perfect opportunity for some payback. I was more than happy to accept his invite to meet up for some drinks and made all the appropriate arrangements. “Sure hun, meet you there at 2” and having no intention of going what so ever.
When Saturday 2am arrived so did all the messages of “where you” and “I’m already here” I thought the best way to handle this was with total silence. Dear Mr difficult I hope you’ve learnt your lesson.
PS: Lesson learnt, if you are trying to get to know somebody, cancelling or making imaginary plans is not the way to do it, it will come back and bite you in the as$. I am now starting a douche list, watch out boys!
PPS: Spent two hours cleaning my car yesterday thinking I was being super clever: catching a tan, getting a workout, having a clean car and saving money - 4 in 1 , only to find it this morning covered in Birds shit. Will have to take it to a carwash after all! FML!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Indecent exposure
Be ready to laugh your ass off at what i have been getting up to recently!
Yes i do plan to book myself into the nearest mental hospital!
Last week is where it all goes wrong!! Car dude asked me out for dinner, so after annoying the crap out of him with what i thought were super funny jokes i said yes... (oh decided to meet him coz didn’t want him to know where i lived just in case he was a stalker or worse i didn’t want to see him again - had images of him breathing heavily outside my window) so ya decided to meet
him... took me forever to find the restaurant coz he gave me the wrong name... Not a very good sign of his intelligence. Finally got there and he actually seemed like a nice guy (and we all know I don’t do nice) we ordered a bottle of wine.. (he's not much of a drinker) so i ended up drinking the bottle plus a bit more and yip you guessed it tequila - it’s becoming my best friend... i become my alter ego the confident drunk! Dinner conversation was me laughing hysterically at my own jokes, while he sat there with a blank look on his face. Clearly not getting my sense of humour. I would have been better off talking to myself.
Well dinner was done... (in case u want to know what i ate, i had Alfredo - it had ham in it so had to pick it out one by one while Car dude laughed at me and probably thought I was mentally deranged) we ended up going to my car (oh I’m cringing while writing this) ended up smooching him for a very looong time, things got a bit heated and next thing I knew I sitting on top of him and my top was coming off... (all by itself, wasn’t me) all of a sudden the police drove up to catch us in the act.. i mean what the f*ck? Is someone up there against me getting some action? (All I can say is it’s been awhile) we ended up being harassed for like an hour and had to bribe them, isn't there any real crime in SA that needs solving... they wanted to arrest us for indecent exposure (have u ever?) Not one of my best moments flashing the police, but hey that’s what wine does to me especially when it’s in large quantities. Very embarrassing situation! Thanks to the corrupt South Africa police we got away with a R200 bribe (i paid it) if u think about it i paid R200 to take my own top off..!! wahahahaha - ok ok not a laughing matter...Now u know how he got the name Car dude! Got home at 2am... The next day was a blur, i couldn’t even put words together to create simple sentences! What I’ve learnt is that the effect wine has on my general safety knows no limits. I cannot be trusted. And hopefully what happens in the car park, stays in the car park. Along with my pride and dignity.
After this little unfortunate event, I have since found out that Car dude is a member at my gym, where I now run into him daily and am forced to come up with every excuse known to man to get away from him “Sorry I can’t chat my foot is bleeding and my shoe is filling up with blood” and make a run for it before he looks down. I have now discovered that he is an award winning douche bag!
PS: If he looks like a douche, he probably is a douche
Yes i do plan to book myself into the nearest mental hospital!
Last week is where it all goes wrong!! Car dude asked me out for dinner, so after annoying the crap out of him with what i thought were super funny jokes i said yes... (oh decided to meet him coz didn’t want him to know where i lived just in case he was a stalker or worse i didn’t want to see him again - had images of him breathing heavily outside my window) so ya decided to meet
him... took me forever to find the restaurant coz he gave me the wrong name... Not a very good sign of his intelligence. Finally got there and he actually seemed like a nice guy (and we all know I don’t do nice) we ordered a bottle of wine.. (he's not much of a drinker) so i ended up drinking the bottle plus a bit more and yip you guessed it tequila - it’s becoming my best friend... i become my alter ego the confident drunk! Dinner conversation was me laughing hysterically at my own jokes, while he sat there with a blank look on his face. Clearly not getting my sense of humour. I would have been better off talking to myself.
Well dinner was done... (in case u want to know what i ate, i had Alfredo - it had ham in it so had to pick it out one by one while Car dude laughed at me and probably thought I was mentally deranged) we ended up going to my car (oh I’m cringing while writing this) ended up smooching him for a very looong time, things got a bit heated and next thing I knew I sitting on top of him and my top was coming off... (all by itself, wasn’t me) all of a sudden the police drove up to catch us in the act.. i mean what the f*ck? Is someone up there against me getting some action? (All I can say is it’s been awhile) we ended up being harassed for like an hour and had to bribe them, isn't there any real crime in SA that needs solving... they wanted to arrest us for indecent exposure (have u ever?) Not one of my best moments flashing the police, but hey that’s what wine does to me especially when it’s in large quantities. Very embarrassing situation! Thanks to the corrupt South Africa police we got away with a R200 bribe (i paid it) if u think about it i paid R200 to take my own top off..!! wahahahaha - ok ok not a laughing matter...Now u know how he got the name Car dude! Got home at 2am... The next day was a blur, i couldn’t even put words together to create simple sentences! What I’ve learnt is that the effect wine has on my general safety knows no limits. I cannot be trusted. And hopefully what happens in the car park, stays in the car park. Along with my pride and dignity.
After this little unfortunate event, I have since found out that Car dude is a member at my gym, where I now run into him daily and am forced to come up with every excuse known to man to get away from him “Sorry I can’t chat my foot is bleeding and my shoe is filling up with blood” and make a run for it before he looks down. I have now discovered that he is an award winning douche bag!
PS: If he looks like a douche, he probably is a douche
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
18 hour Cape Town trip
Waking up at 4am is a painful experience especially when you’ve only had 4 hours sleep. I had to convince and bribe my eyes to open with false promises of a full night’s sleep tomorrow.. haha yeah right suckers! Even my dog horrified turned away and went back to sleep, while I flopped around my room trying to get dressed. Still half a sleep I drove myself to the airport at a ridiculous speed since I was running late as usual and there was absolutely no one around, all the clever people were still sleeping.
The airport and my flight was packed with people who looked and felt like me, bleeding eyes and constant yawning. I took my seat and started finding good sleep positions, as there was no way I could possibly stay awake for the next 2 hours, err that is until not one but TWO amazingly hot guys sat in the seats next to mine, the flight was spent with smiling and giggling at absolute rubbish, again my inability to act normal around a good looking guy kicked in and all went downhill from there.
Cape Town lovely as always wasn’t seen by me, all was a rush to get to the meeting, my rental car resembled something that looked like a huge microwave and rattled at a speed of 120km, well after the booking confusion I was just grateful I even got a car. Sat in a boardroom for 4 hours, lost concentration after 2 and the rest was a blur. Back at the airport dropped off the rattling microwave and zoomed off to check in only to be notified that there has been a delay in the flight schedule which resulted in me sitting at the airport for 2 and a halfhours. Oh the joys of flying Kulula. The flight back was spent trying not to fall asleep on the unfortunate man sitting next to me and listening to a bunch of screaming children (I must be one of the unluckiest people when it comes to children, they seem to be everywhere I am, isn’t there like a special cargo hold cage thingy you can put them in?)
The plane bounced on the run way and we were home! Home sweet home!
Looking forward to my next CT trip in December, a whole week of fabulous and no work!!
PS: Sandwich dilemma, the guys I work with decided to go to lunch, so I asked them to get me a sandwich, on arrival back to the office I got the good news: I still have R40 and the bad news: they forgot the sandwich so I am now resorting to eating my table and will be working on the floor from now on!
PSS: A Special Happy Birthday to the Sexy Cousin… - For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
The airport and my flight was packed with people who looked and felt like me, bleeding eyes and constant yawning. I took my seat and started finding good sleep positions, as there was no way I could possibly stay awake for the next 2 hours, err that is until not one but TWO amazingly hot guys sat in the seats next to mine, the flight was spent with smiling and giggling at absolute rubbish, again my inability to act normal around a good looking guy kicked in and all went downhill from there.
Cape Town lovely as always wasn’t seen by me, all was a rush to get to the meeting, my rental car resembled something that looked like a huge microwave and rattled at a speed of 120km, well after the booking confusion I was just grateful I even got a car. Sat in a boardroom for 4 hours, lost concentration after 2 and the rest was a blur. Back at the airport dropped off the rattling microwave and zoomed off to check in only to be notified that there has been a delay in the flight schedule which resulted in me sitting at the airport for 2 and a halfhours. Oh the joys of flying Kulula. The flight back was spent trying not to fall asleep on the unfortunate man sitting next to me and listening to a bunch of screaming children (I must be one of the unluckiest people when it comes to children, they seem to be everywhere I am, isn’t there like a special cargo hold cage thingy you can put them in?)
The plane bounced on the run way and we were home! Home sweet home!
Looking forward to my next CT trip in December, a whole week of fabulous and no work!!
PS: Sandwich dilemma, the guys I work with decided to go to lunch, so I asked them to get me a sandwich, on arrival back to the office I got the good news: I still have R40 and the bad news: they forgot the sandwich so I am now resorting to eating my table and will be working on the floor from now on!
PSS: A Special Happy Birthday to the Sexy Cousin… - For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Babyshower time
The sexy cousin and I were 2 hours late to My Best Friends babyshower, what can I say, you got to make an entrance. Tripping over babies and presents I finally made my way over to the first available seat, made an attempt at some crappy apology and asked if they got any alcohol.. No they didn’t.
While the Best Friend was opening up her mountain of presents, a friend commented on my boobs telling me how big they’ve gotten and proceeded to ask if I’m pregnant.. What??!! Have you totally f*cking lost your mind, what kind of sick joke are you playing.. was my initial thought which I managed to keep in and gently laugh it off while thinking shut up have you looked in the mirror lately! The thing about babyshowers is that its only fun for the mother to be, while she’s opening up presents for 3 hours the rest of us got to sit there and watch, which is a lot like torture.
Observing the party I noticed how the crowd was separated in two… the actual babyshower where the fourth hundredth present was being opened and the younger unmarried “let’s talk sh*t" corner where I should have been! But unfortunately I love my friend enough to sit through the gruelling 3 hour present opening… and a face cringing talk about birth and babies. At some point my eyes got so heavy I might of actually had a 2 minute power nap without anyone noticing. The Sexy Cousin who is anything but a baby lover was thinking of escape plots and of excuses to leave, while fighting the urge to sleep. The one present i did enjoy was an enormous green with black polka dot underwear the mother to be received from her mother, I proceeded to laugh while holding on my chair trying not to fall off, I've seen smaller parachutes...
The screamer – A friend of ours baby has the scream of a thousand razor blades being stabbed into your ears, even the deaf granny on the otherside was horrified to hear again. The screamer spent most of the afternoon screaming blue murder while the mother didn’t seem to notice.
PS: I’m flying to Cape Town tomorrow, unfortunately it’s all work and no play.. Let’s hope I get seated next to some sexy single (or not I'm not fussy) hunk, who will entertain me for the whole 2 hour flight with his charm!
While the Best Friend was opening up her mountain of presents, a friend commented on my boobs telling me how big they’ve gotten and proceeded to ask if I’m pregnant.. What??!! Have you totally f*cking lost your mind, what kind of sick joke are you playing.. was my initial thought which I managed to keep in and gently laugh it off while thinking shut up have you looked in the mirror lately! The thing about babyshowers is that its only fun for the mother to be, while she’s opening up presents for 3 hours the rest of us got to sit there and watch, which is a lot like torture.
Observing the party I noticed how the crowd was separated in two… the actual babyshower where the fourth hundredth present was being opened and the younger unmarried “let’s talk sh*t" corner where I should have been! But unfortunately I love my friend enough to sit through the gruelling 3 hour present opening… and a face cringing talk about birth and babies. At some point my eyes got so heavy I might of actually had a 2 minute power nap without anyone noticing. The Sexy Cousin who is anything but a baby lover was thinking of escape plots and of excuses to leave, while fighting the urge to sleep. The one present i did enjoy was an enormous green with black polka dot underwear the mother to be received from her mother, I proceeded to laugh while holding on my chair trying not to fall off, I've seen smaller parachutes...
The screamer – A friend of ours baby has the scream of a thousand razor blades being stabbed into your ears, even the deaf granny on the otherside was horrified to hear again. The screamer spent most of the afternoon screaming blue murder while the mother didn’t seem to notice.
PS: I’m flying to Cape Town tomorrow, unfortunately it’s all work and no play.. Let’s hope I get seated next to some sexy single (or not I'm not fussy) hunk, who will entertain me for the whole 2 hour flight with his charm!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Cleo’s top 50 eligible bachelorettes.. (I mean bachelors)
When it comes to a sexy man… I stop and stare… wipe the drool off my face and try say something that will make me seen somewhat interesting and not like I belong in a mental institution. So when I was forwarded the Cleo eligible bachelors link “pfft” I was ready to stare, drool, obsess without being judged and asked if I’m lost.
Oh my……. I was definitely staring alright…. Not so much drool but rather a dry mouth that seemed to have fallen open with shock!
Am I back in Thailand…?? *looks around* Nope!! then why do all these “so called men” look like Lady boys?
So much photoshop, so much hair products, so much make up, so much of un natural elements. They all looked so dolled up I had to take a closer look to see if this was actually the bachelors not the bachelorettes link. Out of 50 men there were 2 of somewhat sexiness, that is until I read their bio… “sometimes it’s not always best to be honest” we don’t want to know about your secret soapie fetish and telling people they need to go on a diet and look after themselves better is NOT a real job… and if you’re going to use the word “chop” in your bio try not to use it to refer to yourself. One more thing the fact that you would rather have dinner with 2 men instead of a beautiful woman worries me! Please guys no more manicure pedicure talk!
With tears in my eyes I ask… What happened to the natural manly rugged look? Have all the really good “man looking” men feel off the face of South Africa?
And if they have I would also I like to fall into that hole!
All I can say is, what a disappointment and none of them will be getting my vote, These are supposedly the hottest men around and yet I am more attracted to my dog. If you brave enough check out the link www.cleobachelor.co.za I dare you to vote!
Ps: Dirty little secret (although I’m horrified to admit) I had a fling with one of these guys, before the glitz and the glamour
He was a looker!!
Oh my……. I was definitely staring alright…. Not so much drool but rather a dry mouth that seemed to have fallen open with shock!
Am I back in Thailand…?? *looks around* Nope!! then why do all these “so called men” look like Lady boys?
So much photoshop, so much hair products, so much make up, so much of un natural elements. They all looked so dolled up I had to take a closer look to see if this was actually the bachelors not the bachelorettes link. Out of 50 men there were 2 of somewhat sexiness, that is until I read their bio… “sometimes it’s not always best to be honest” we don’t want to know about your secret soapie fetish and telling people they need to go on a diet and look after themselves better is NOT a real job… and if you’re going to use the word “chop” in your bio try not to use it to refer to yourself. One more thing the fact that you would rather have dinner with 2 men instead of a beautiful woman worries me! Please guys no more manicure pedicure talk!
With tears in my eyes I ask… What happened to the natural manly rugged look? Have all the really good “man looking” men feel off the face of South Africa?
And if they have I would also I like to fall into that hole!
All I can say is, what a disappointment and none of them will be getting my vote, These are supposedly the hottest men around and yet I am more attracted to my dog. If you brave enough check out the link www.cleobachelor.co.za I dare you to vote!
Ps: Dirty little secret (although I’m horrified to admit) I had a fling with one of these guys, before the glitz and the glamour
He was a looker!!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thailand, Amazing amazing amazing party
I am officially in love.... with Thailand, Well Phuket to be specific, beautiful beaches, yummy cocktails, shirtless cabana boys.. (haha no i wish) the only eye candy there are the tourists which there aren't that many anyway believe me i was looking. The sexy cousin and i spent to two fabulous weeks visiting islands, snorkelling, laying on the beach and shopping of course, in probably one of the most amazing places ive ever been. While spending our days in paradise we spent our nights in pubs and clubs... on Bangla road, a road so busy they have to close it down from cars at night to accommodate the night life... every two feet theres a new bar filled with foreigners (aka heaven), my only competition was the enormous amount of prostitutes that roam the bars / clubs looking for their next victim... Prostitute pick up line "hello, you are customer No# 5287". In the craziness of this road we found a bar called Margarita and decided that this the place we will be starting, our 1st drink was a sex on the beach cocktail, which came in a bucket and i think they forgot to put the mix in, it should of come with a warning label. "Warning, consumption may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (Whose name and/or species you cant remember.)"
After one cocktail i was already chatting up every hottie in my site with the confidence of Megan Fox, laughing at every retarded joke and singing a the top of my voice to every song i thought i knew. There is very little i remember after that, the Tuk tuk ride home was a blur... Somewhere between going to my hotel room like the good girl that i am and actually getting in the lift, a brilliant idea struck me (Brilliant then, Stupid now) Swimming... Not thinking it through i ran took off my dress and jumped in the hotel swimming pool, not noticing the fact that every balcony over looked the pool and where getting a free show and the fact that it was 3am. I was splashing around while the security was begging / pleading for me to get out, felt bad for him so decided it was time to call it a night.. Went to my hotel room, while the sexy cousin wasn't looking i sneaked out in my tiny excuse for Pj's... ran around the hotel knocking on doors shouting "its meeeeeeeeeee" Not getting the response i wanted i decided to get to bed...
Next day i woke up horrified and with a mountain of roses around me... and very little memory of the previous night... but i did have one of the worst hangovers of my life to keep me company, thankfully the sexy cousin felt just as horrible as i did... so we spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for ourself and promising next to drink again.... till the next time and avoiding eye contact with any other guest that mind remember us from the previous night.
After one cocktail i was already chatting up every hottie in my site with the confidence of Megan Fox, laughing at every retarded joke and singing a the top of my voice to every song i thought i knew. There is very little i remember after that, the Tuk tuk ride home was a blur... Somewhere between going to my hotel room like the good girl that i am and actually getting in the lift, a brilliant idea struck me (Brilliant then, Stupid now) Swimming... Not thinking it through i ran took off my dress and jumped in the hotel swimming pool, not noticing the fact that every balcony over looked the pool and where getting a free show and the fact that it was 3am. I was splashing around while the security was begging / pleading for me to get out, felt bad for him so decided it was time to call it a night.. Went to my hotel room, while the sexy cousin wasn't looking i sneaked out in my tiny excuse for Pj's... ran around the hotel knocking on doors shouting "its meeeeeeeeeee" Not getting the response i wanted i decided to get to bed...
Next day i woke up horrified and with a mountain of roses around me... and very little memory of the previous night... but i did have one of the worst hangovers of my life to keep me company, thankfully the sexy cousin felt just as horrible as i did... so we spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for ourself and promising next to drink again.... till the next time and avoiding eye contact with any other guest that mind remember us from the previous night.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
I DID IT..!!
On a crazy impulse i have finally decided to blog about my (and everyone else i know) life's little adventures... well in my case its more like life's obsticle course, that likes to slap you while you down! Generally its all good days, fun times and very little memory of it the next day... lets do it.. and if you're good i might even include a few dirty secrets. *Glasses up and cheers*
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