I've always loved a good kiss, nothing says hot hot hot quite like a guy knowing how to kiss. But unfortunately not all guys poses this skill and you only find out when it’s too late to make a run for it. So I have decided to do some research on the worst kissing techniques and here's what i got.
The Katrina Kiss.
It is a kiss with entirely too much water. Remember Hurricane Katrina? Yes, just like that. You are drooled on, slobbered on and when the kiss is over, you feel the need for a towel and maybe a shower. Too much saliva everywhere! Hm! Tip: If you have a salivary gland problem, or your partner just makes you drool with lust, try swallowing before you kiss!
The Iguana Kiss.
This is a true case of lizard lips! Crusty, crunchy and dry. If you run your lips gently across your lovers neck, cheek and lips, they shouldn’t be left with what looks like paper cuts.
The Prozac Kiss or Fast and Furious
Fast, furious, darting or high-speed swirling motions of the tongue reminiscent of a washing machine on the rinse cycle. Hm! Is it too much lust?
The Cave or Black Hole
In this instance your partner’s mouth is open so wide that your tongue meets nothing but air on all sides! There is no exchange of sensation. It’s like you’re kissing in a wide whole!
The Dirty Tom
Shave or grow the beard. You don’t know what it feels like to have sand papery stubble pierce the skin around your eyes or cheeks! With half her face scraped off, a woman feels less than romantic and is more inclined to get up to seek medical treatment than she is to get busy.
Trolling for Tonsils.
A little restraint on the depth of the kiss might be in order. If you have a tendency to extend your tongue to its full length in your partners mouth, how do you expect him/her to breathe.
The Kiss of Death.
Ever kissed someone to be met by a smell of decomposition? How awful! Brush your teeth! Use one of the vast selections of mouthwashes on the market. Get a new toothbrush every 3 months! Visit your dentist and check for gum disease and cavities, both of which contribute to bad breath.
The Anteater
Something to avoid! This is where the tongue goes in and out of your partners mouth in a pokey, speedy, anteater motion! Vomit in my Mouth! If you are using the tounge keep it in longer then point two seconds!
The Alienator
This is a rather odd one, this is when the neck bobbles up and down, i have no recommendation on how to stop this as i still can't understand how this is physically possible.
Which one are you?
Happy weekend all.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I am my parents' daughter
Ballito is amazing this time of the year and my absolute favourite place to be (When you eventually get there.) The 6 hour drive was freaking torture. While I was playing “dodge the truck” and trying to think of ways to de-numb my butt, everyone had a nice nap. (Typical!) We arrived just in time as both my arms were about to fall off.
My Cousin and I got stuck taking her parents to visit my parents, which wouldn’t be so bad,, if we didn’t come from a family of nut jobs… Picture this! A bunch of Russians who haven’t seen each other in years. Hugging, kissing, screaming and of course pulling out the Vodka.
Special moments I will never forget > > >
Our parents decided to go for an evening swim and all I heard, while they were running out the door, was: “Let’s swim naked!!!” Now that’s disturbing all on its own level! I’d rather lick a camel’s butt, than witness that!
Swimming in the ocean was impossible, when my aunt kept praying to God and screaming loudly for the whole beach to hear: “Please don’t go!!!”, then running and pulling you out the water. Especially embarrassing, when you aren’t even a knee deep. The 2 year old next to me was even laughing!
Trying to tan wasn’t an easy task either, as I kept getting calls from the other side of the beach from my Mother, begging me to come out of the sun.
Every conversation was a screaming competition of who can shatter glass first.
The craziness continued till I got home. I’m happy to say I’ve survived a family holiday and won’t have to do this again for at least 2 years. I also discovered my mother managed to slip a whole bunch of rubbish into our bags, ranging from green tights to pieces of string and material. How we related is beyond me!
PS: Birthday drinks tonight. Not mine but I’m planning to out drink the Birthday boy.. Why? Cause I’m Celebrating.
My Cousin and I got stuck taking her parents to visit my parents, which wouldn’t be so bad,, if we didn’t come from a family of nut jobs… Picture this! A bunch of Russians who haven’t seen each other in years. Hugging, kissing, screaming and of course pulling out the Vodka.
Special moments I will never forget > > >
Our parents decided to go for an evening swim and all I heard, while they were running out the door, was: “Let’s swim naked!!!” Now that’s disturbing all on its own level! I’d rather lick a camel’s butt, than witness that!
Swimming in the ocean was impossible, when my aunt kept praying to God and screaming loudly for the whole beach to hear: “Please don’t go!!!”, then running and pulling you out the water. Especially embarrassing, when you aren’t even a knee deep. The 2 year old next to me was even laughing!
Trying to tan wasn’t an easy task either, as I kept getting calls from the other side of the beach from my Mother, begging me to come out of the sun.
Every conversation was a screaming competition of who can shatter glass first.
The craziness continued till I got home. I’m happy to say I’ve survived a family holiday and won’t have to do this again for at least 2 years. I also discovered my mother managed to slip a whole bunch of rubbish into our bags, ranging from green tights to pieces of string and material. How we related is beyond me!
PS: Birthday drinks tonight. Not mine but I’m planning to out drink the Birthday boy.. Why? Cause I’m Celebrating.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Yes doctor
So this has definitely not been one of my best weeks, so far i have i managed to catch the flu with a side order of pet allergies and was forced to buy two new tyres. Naughty naughty potholes.
...Doctors office 7am
Is as quiet as a library since the internet was invented. Im sure i heard a pin drop.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Me: Are you joking? My eyes are bleeding, i have tissue suck up my nose and am breathing like i just ran a marathon! And all this was not due to alcohol consumption for once!
After a lengthy poke examination it was established that i have flu and allergies, and after all i would survive. i was sent off with a prescription that resembled a short story, which i was unable to read as it was encrypted in that special doctors writing, for all i know he prescribed me vitamins and charged double.
...Jerry the tyre guy: Eish mam what you do?
Why does he automatically assume it was something i did?
Besides putting make up on and talking on my cell phone, filing my nails, scratching my foot and reading emails, i am a very observant driver!
Ps: A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.
...Doctors office 7am
Is as quiet as a library since the internet was invented. Im sure i heard a pin drop.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Me: Are you joking? My eyes are bleeding, i have tissue suck up my nose and am breathing like i just ran a marathon! And all this was not due to alcohol consumption for once!
After a lengthy poke examination it was established that i have flu and allergies, and after all i would survive. i was sent off with a prescription that resembled a short story, which i was unable to read as it was encrypted in that special doctors writing, for all i know he prescribed me vitamins and charged double.
...Jerry the tyre guy: Eish mam what you do?
Why does he automatically assume it was something i did?
Besides putting make up on and talking on my cell phone, filing my nails, scratching my foot and reading emails, i am a very observant driver!
Ps: A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Pass with flying colours
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once, hence the MIA.
My attempt at an unforgettable weekend was more successful than a gold medal at the Olympics. And how I know this is, because every single brain cell in my head was screaming “Help me!”. Recoveries are starting to take longer, which is a clear indication that my body is getting older and my 12 year old mind is only starting to develop.
What I’ve learnt is, whatever you do – don’t mix your drinks! Wine and whiskey together are not your friends!
In other fun events:
Date with the new man went so well that I ended up seeing him again. Sushi and dvds were involved and me slapping his hand away every 5 seconds. Aggg men these days have no self restraint!
My attempt at an unforgettable weekend was more successful than a gold medal at the Olympics. And how I know this is, because every single brain cell in my head was screaming “Help me!”. Recoveries are starting to take longer, which is a clear indication that my body is getting older and my 12 year old mind is only starting to develop.
What I’ve learnt is, whatever you do – don’t mix your drinks! Wine and whiskey together are not your friends!
In other fun events:
Date with the new man went so well that I ended up seeing him again. Sushi and dvds were involved and me slapping his hand away every 5 seconds. Aggg men these days have no self restraint!
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