I've always loved a good kiss, nothing says hot hot hot quite like a guy knowing how to kiss. But unfortunately not all guys poses this skill and you only find out when it’s too late to make a run for it. So I have decided to do some research on the worst kissing techniques and here's what i got.
The Katrina Kiss.
It is a kiss with entirely too much water. Remember Hurricane Katrina? Yes, just like that. You are drooled on, slobbered on and when the kiss is over, you feel the need for a towel and maybe a shower. Too much saliva everywhere! Hm! Tip: If you have a salivary gland problem, or your partner just makes you drool with lust, try swallowing before you kiss!
The Iguana Kiss.
This is a true case of lizard lips! Crusty, crunchy and dry. If you run your lips gently across your lovers neck, cheek and lips, they shouldn’t be left with what looks like paper cuts.
The Prozac Kiss or Fast and Furious
Fast, furious, darting or high-speed swirling motions of the tongue reminiscent of a washing machine on the rinse cycle. Hm! Is it too much lust?
The Cave or Black Hole
In this instance your partner’s mouth is open so wide that your tongue meets nothing but air on all sides! There is no exchange of sensation. It’s like you’re kissing in a wide whole!
The Dirty Tom
Shave or grow the beard. You don’t know what it feels like to have sand papery stubble pierce the skin around your eyes or cheeks! With half her face scraped off, a woman feels less than romantic and is more inclined to get up to seek medical treatment than she is to get busy.
Trolling for Tonsils.
A little restraint on the depth of the kiss might be in order. If you have a tendency to extend your tongue to its full length in your partners mouth, how do you expect him/her to breathe.
The Kiss of Death.
Ever kissed someone to be met by a smell of decomposition? How awful! Brush your teeth! Use one of the vast selections of mouthwashes on the market. Get a new toothbrush every 3 months! Visit your dentist and check for gum disease and cavities, both of which contribute to bad breath.
The Anteater
Something to avoid! This is where the tongue goes in and out of your partners mouth in a pokey, speedy, anteater motion! Vomit in my Mouth! If you are using the tounge keep it in longer then point two seconds!
The Alienator
This is a rather odd one, this is when the neck bobbles up and down, i have no recommendation on how to stop this as i still can't understand how this is physically possible.
Which one are you?
Happy weekend all.
I think you forgot "The Hungry Mongrel".
ReplyDeleteWhen your partner decides to bite your lips or tongue while kissing and doesn't now where the line between "kinky" and "ouch" is!
Awesome Post!
ReplyDeleteThe kiss of death has to be the worst thing anyone can experience, its actually up there with being a none smoker and kissing a smoker!
I must admit I worry constantly about my beard causing discomfort during kissing... I even worry when I'm clean shaved. You'll be surprised how quickly it grows just to 'that' point of irritation!
Kissing can be and is totally amazing when you find someone who balances you perfectly! :)
@flipsideza
@Kaloo haha i think there are stil tons of untouched techniques. And im probably gona be the unfortunate person who discovers them.
ReplyDelete@Flipsideza Keep it clean :) its much easier to find the mouth when theres no fur ball covering it.
Ever had the "Katrina" with the "Fast and Furious", the "anteater" while getting my own term - The Hoover Vacuum involving, basically trying to suck ones stomach out through their mouths - skillfully woven in with the "trolling for tonsils and finally, the Coup de grâce: The Kiss of death? No?! Well I have. I went home and wept silently. The next day I was morbidly depressed. I still get the odd nightmare about that.
ReplyDelete@Tyron Haha id be put off for life, The hoover vacuum is something i never want to experience. Gotta be careful out there!
ReplyDelete