Foot in mouth disease

We’ve all seen that fat girl with barely anything on, drying humping every guy that walks past. Well I got a close up that I’ll never forget. My choice of poison was water so I have no excuse. The thing about all your friends being drunk and you sober, is that they seem to be having so much more fun than you. So I decided to give the dance floor a break and get a refill instead.

Random hot guy: What you drinking?
Me: *looks at the bottle of water in my hand* Guess…
Random hot guy: Would you like something harder

At that exact moment the fat girl with barely anything on, decide to demonstrate something out of a thriller music video exposing any covered bit she might have had.

Me: Check out the whale
Random hot guy: Ummmmm
Me: *laughing uncontrollably*
Random hot guy: That’s my sister
Me: Ohhh FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Random guy: Hang on I’ll introduce you

At that point I was wishing for the ground to open up and swallow me! I had now turned so red I looked like a stop sign. After being introduced to fat girl I felt obliged to give her a ridiculous amount of compliments, at which she must of thought I was hitting on her. The next 10 minutes involved us standing there in silence, I felt as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.

Random guy: So you like my sister?
Me: Umm she’s great!
Random guy: So how about that drink?

After I called his sister a whale he still proceeded to hit on me for the rest of the night and all I wanted to do was get the hell outta there and crawl into a hole.

In other odd events:
I keep getting pictures of farm animals from some guy I met recently.
I’m beginning to develop zoophobia. You know who you are. Please stop!

I’m not demented just dehydrated

That ever so wonderful feeling when you wake up and your tongue is stuck to your palate. Your vision is blurred and you taste feet. You fall outta bed and crawl to the bathroom and literally eat half the toothpaste. While barely balancing, you realize not only are you a danger to yourself right now, but you are also a danger to society and should get back it to bed before you hurt yourself. Even your dog looks at you with disgust. You then realize that today is in fact a work day.

Panicked I dressed in record time and in my car on my way to work. With every possible a$shole testing my breaking reflex, after the tenth time of slamming breaks, I was finally fully awake, and the very little blood I had left in my alcohol system was starting to boil. By the time I got to work I was as dehydrated as a prune. Rushing to my parking and avoiding the obstacle course of cars, I managed to introduce the side of my car to the lovely wall… which left a unpleasant scratch on the side of my car. Yip shoulda stayed in bed.

Like I said people I’m a danger to society

Oh the fun

Signs which indicate that you are at a Russian wedding:
The wedding starts an hour late (If you lucky)
The presence of vodka on every table
The village music people are actually dancing to on the dance floor
The singing DJ
The 3 photographers and 2 videographers
The shirtless guest
The inappropriate asshole
The married flirt
The fight

And me in the middle of the craziness sober